Is there a Hole in Your Heart after an Abortion?
Maybe I’ve just put words to a silent cry in your heart–words you can’t even say out loud because you’re struggling with shame. It’s too hard to admit, if not dang near impossible to say, “I had an abortion.”
Nobody tells you about this part, do they? You’re focused on the problem and how you can get rid of it. No one talks about the pain and maybe it’s not regret, but sorrow.
Sweetie, you are so not alone. ❤️
Related post: 5 Steps to Help with Emotional Healing after an Abortion
After I wrote about my story about having an abortion in the post above . . .
. . . I knew I had to ask more friends to share their experiences.
Because there are so many stories. And each is unique if not similar. So, I wanted more friends to talk so you’d know partnership in your struggle, so that you’d know God loves you and you can find healing and hope, too.
That’s when it occurred to me to ask my friend, Carol Wilson, if she might tell you her story and she bravely agreed:
“Out of the Flames”
Loneliness and longing.
Their embers smoldered with torturous persistence.
My latest broken relationship—tossed like a match onto the firewood stacked in my heart by other relationships—lit the loneliness.
Desire for the embrace of flourishing, devoted love lit the longing.
An unwanted, but necessary, cross-country move stoked the embers. Family needs had pulled me away from my treasured evergreen and sapphire world back into a toasted land and away from an exciting new job.
No surprise then when a co-worker’s own smoldering embers of loneliness and longing merged with mine. Our connection felt like it could be a controlled burn ignited to burn away the debris of old pain and to stimulate new growth.
After a few weeks, some hope began to sprinkle into my thoughts. Maybe enduring love will germinate this time like the seedling of a sequoia tree after a fire.
Maybe gentle, cherishing rain will drench the loneliness.
Unfortunately,
this fire burned with physical passion.
That carried great risk. There was no firebreak to restrain destructive flames when unfavorable winds blew. A landscape conducive to growing love requires the steadfast maintenance of two firebreaks: emotional harmony and a like-minded spiritual bond.
Emotional harmony saturates the relational terrain with collaborative honor. It works to remove the flammable debris and creates buffers with safety, respect, peacefulness, playfulness, and joy.
A like-minded spiritual bond is the wide, rushing river encircling your relationship. It’s the impenetrable defense and the supreme current for relational vitality.
Devoid of both emotional harmony and spiritual connection, we certainly weren’t equipped to contain the fire. Gusts of winds began to blow after a failed attempt to stoke our dwindling passion on Valentine’s Day.
“I’m pregnant.”
He offered marriage. I declined.
Reactionary flames and irrational thought jumped the inadequate containment
lines dug around our hearts. New fires blazed.
His anger flared.
I aborted.
She was the only child I’d ever conceive.
Failure. The worst of my life.
My soul combusted as I tried to dig a new fire line with vodka, beer, peach schnapps, marijuana, and another guy. Tumultuous winds continued to blow. Flames charred layers of my internal landscape—day after day, month after month.
Then, Jesus—the Ultimate Firefighter—arrived the following year to rescue me.
He carried my ashen soul out of the flames and began to pour the healing words of the Bible into my heart. I grew to love reading these words. He also gave me many friends who also loved Him. They helped me learn more about my Ultimate Firefighter.
A river of gratitude flows as an impenetrable fire line around my heart today. I can’t thank Jesus enough for His sacrifice that removed the shame of my past.
Only a year later, Jesus began to speak into my thoughts about an unexpected, new purpose:
Now, Daughter, go out and apply my balm to other women who’ve conceived, then aborted.
“I can’t, Jesus. My soul is still blistered. And I’m like a sequoia sapling. Still young; not yet rooted solidly in You and Your Word.
“And I’m…I’m still a failure.
“You’re asking me to lead other women in a healing study that I’ve failed to complete on my own. I haven’t done the grief work; I couldn’t even honor my daughter with a name. Only loving parents should enjoy that privilege.
“Lord, I just can’t.”
You can, my daughter.
And her name? It’s Genevieve DeAun. It means victorious heart, beginning anew. She, like you, has been born into a whole new life.
You can.
Jesus,
there are so many women who’ve experienced abortion.
There are so many fathers of the babies
and families also hurt by abortion.
Please pull women, fathers, and families
out of the fires ignited by abortion.
Only You, Lord, have the balm to heal.
Please lead them to your rushing river of hope and healing.
May they, then, lead others to You.
Thank you for giving us brand new lives
through your sacrifice and resurrection.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Carol Wilson
Carol served in various capacities of three Pregnancy Resource Centers for many years. She has also facilitated many post-abortion healing groups. She is currently writing a book to help women seeking healing for abortion outside of the church.
Here are some possible recommendations for finding a post-abortion group and for reading. This is not an exhaustive list of resources, and we haven’t personally read through all of the books, but hopefully this list will lead you to a source that’s best for your own healing journey.
To find a local pregnancy center and help for post-abortion pain:
https://optionline.org/after-abortion-support
https://www.care-net.org/what-is-a-pregnancy-center
https://saveone.org/
https://www.rachelsvineyard.org/
Books and Workbooks for Healing after an Abortion:
- Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane
- Her Choice To Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion by Sydna Massé
- A Season to Heal: Help and Hope for Those Working Through Post-Abortion Stress by Luci Freed & Penny Yvonne Salazar-Phillips
- Surrendering the Secret: Healing the Heartbreak of Abortion by Pat Layton
- Fatherhood Aborted by Guy Condon (you can get a free copy on care-net.org)
- Surrendering the Heart of a Father: A Man’s Guide to Abortion Recovery by Pat and Mike Layton
Books for Education:
- Pro-life Answers to Pro-choice Arguments by Randy Alcorn
- Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion by Theresa Burke with David C. Reardon
